I went off my meds to be more spiritual. There, I said it.

Well, okay – let me qualify that. I reduced my meds because I believed I would have more access to my spirituality and spiritual gifts. Now, I didn’t say this was a smart choice. And you’d think, since this ain’t my first rodeo with mental illness, I’d know better. I’ve lived (and lived quite well on the whole) with bipolar disorder, anxiety and psychosis for over 25 years and for most of those years I’ve taken medication.

Though this has been the case, there’s always been this niggling feeling that if I could just reduce (and eventually not take any) medication I’d be better off for it. More spiritual – closer to the divine, more peaceful, more at one with the world, able to become more self-realized, liberated and enlightened.

Who can blame me? I don’t know of any spiritual teachers on psychiatric medication. Not any who admit it anyway. Dali Lama? Not that I know of – maybe meds for high cholesterol, but even that’s a guess. Eckhart Tolle? Doubt it. Byron Katie? Not likely. Though, they might be. Perhaps I’m just imagining what spiritual celebrities are all about.

Regardless, stigma about mental illness in general and psychiatric medication in particular runs deep. More accurately, misinformation about it runs deep. Really deep: “threads-of-steel-around-the-roots-of-a-tree-and-into-the-magma-of-the-earth” kind of deep. Even for me, who has experienced relief by taking medication.

Somehow, I think medication stops me from being all of me, clogs up my energy systems, makes me foggy. When I or others are overmedicated, yes – that’s definitely the case. But I’m taking a dose that doesn’t do any of those things. Yet I still feel I could have more spiritual growth, faster growth, if I wasn’t on medication. Somehow though, in my mind, this didn’t apply to the birth control pills I took. Hmmm?

So a few months ago with the guidance of my psychiatrist I began to reduce my meds. Over six weeks I began, very slowly, to decrease the amount of both my antidepressant and mood stabilizer.

I was honest about the reasons. I told him, one: I have so many effective self-management tools, maybe a lower dosage would be okay. Two: I’d like to be on as little medication as possible due to potential, negative effects of being on meds long term. And, three (most importantly): I had started a spiritual practice in earnest over the past few years and was concerned the meds might be interfering with my spiritual development and awareness.

He said okay. Yup, I know. Very progressive and very good he is. I thank my lucky stars I’ve had the privilege to work with him.

Over the next month and half, little by little, I started reducing. Week one, things are going fine. Week two, the same. Week three, four, five – all good. Then, week six – a bump, well more like a shadow – you know a black, creepy, blur fraying the sides of my life and the inside of my mind, turning my thoughts dark, melting my energy limpish, figuratively bruising my body purple. This wasn’t good. I stepped up my spiritual practice, exercised more, regulated my sleep. The gloomy lump lifted – for two days. Then it was back, in full force.

I was scared. The dark silhouette adhered to my shoulders, behind my eyes, on the bottoms of my feet. It didn’t matter how much exercise, how much sleep or how much light I got into my eyes, it didn’t budge.

I didn’t feel spiritual, I felt wretched.

I meditated, practiced Chi Kung, prayed, ran every day for short spurts, but still depression wedged in every cavity it could. I didn’t know between my fingers could ache so much.

I went back to my psychiatrist.

“Isn’t it true, even if I go back to my old dose, the meds might not work? I’ve heard that. It’s true, right? Right? My old meds aren’t going to be effective. I’ve f%*ked myself.” Why didn’t he stop me before I tried this insane experiment?  

“Nooo…,” he said slowly shaking his head, “that’s not true.”

“Oh,” was all I could say.

So that same day, back at home, sitting at my vanity table, I opened up my two pill bottles.  I picked out the dose of pills I’d taken before said spiritual experiment and washed them down with water in the hopes with the health habits I was still practicing I might regain a feeling of wellness.

I did. Over the next couple weeks I slowly started to feel myself again. After taking my medication (medicine really) and continuing to practice my wellness tools, I started to feel back to my good ol’ Victoria: grounded, clear seeing, content and at ease with the natural ebb and flow of emotions that just a few weeks ago seemed locked away forever and doused with dollops of severe depression. Taking the right dose of medicine, I actually felt more spiritual, not less.

What did I learn? It was something I remembered actually about my journey with creativity.

Years ago, when psychiatric medication was suggested (very strongly) as an additional support to my recovery, I was afraid it would take away my creative spark. I was an actor, a writer – creativity was my life-blood. I couldn’t afford to live without the passion that kept me alive and added meaning to my life.

At first I was prescribed lithium. It had worked wonders for my mom. Yup, bipolar disorder is a family affair. Me, I felt like a walking piece of chalk. Not dampened emotions, just NO emotions. The only thing worse than feeling suicidal, is not feeling anything at all.

But then 2 years of sampling different medications, I was given something else to try – and lo’ and behold, this particular combination of anti-depressant and mood stabiliser helped raise my bottom and gave me a roof to curb dangerous stratospheric spikes in my emotions.

I didn’t feel medicated. I didn’t feel high. I felt like me. Me.

And, what happened to my creativity? It came back to life. My creative output was sustainable, of good quality and I flowed with it instead of being led hurly burly by it.

When I wasn’t on the right medication, the right dosage – my creativity was squelched, lost to the pharmaceutical stew of overmedication or ineffectiveness. When I wasn’t on medication at all, I THOUGHT I was creative. I actually was prolific. I was writing copious amounts of poetry…but, really, really BAD poetry.

When I wasn’t on medicine to reign in the fire that touched my brain, the creativity I had ran amok and was awful. Mania led me to create a lot, but create poor quality. While depression stopped it in its tracks.

Surprisingly (at least to me) the same course of events happened with my spirituality. When on the wrong kind, wrong dose or no medication at all, my access to spirituality and sense of the divine was warped and draped in a painful fog or hysterical mania. The depth of despair was not a ‘dark night of the soul’ it was a cemented state of being that wouldn’t budge. My manias were not wisdom unleashed, but euphoria skyrocketing into heights of dangerous behaviour.

When I am on the right medication (as I am now), the right dosage (as low as possible, but enough to help), I am connected and aligned to what I define as spirit and the divine. I feel the joyful (not manic) flow of life and I rest in trust and ease. Seriously. This is how I feel when I have the correct dose of medicine as well as consistently practice my many self-management wellness tools. Medication is a small, but important, recovery tool.

I can’t shirk any of them. I am adamantly, furiously committed to enacting my wellness tools daily (which includes taking my trusty anti-depressant and mood stabilizer). I can’t afford not to.

Both my creative and spiritual life depend on it.

Do you or someone you know take psychiatric medication? Does one of your clients? What are your thoughts on medication and spirituality? Does it help or hinder? I want to hear about your experience. Please leave a comment below.  

© Victoria Maxwell

If you liked this post, you may enjoy this podcast interview where Victoria and Chris Cole of ‘Waking Up Bipolar’ discuss naked psychosis, imperfect bodies, medication and spirituality.

13 replies
  1. Tammy Bond
    Tammy Bond says:

    Thank you for this. I went down the same path, only it took almost a year to recover from my experiment. I am a much kinder and tolerant person when not overwhelmed by sensitivity and emotion, as I was off my meds. I think that being spiritual means accepting ourselves and life on its terms, and that means accepting that I have an illness that needs treatment.

    Reply
  2. peggy
    peggy says:

    i want to say that i have for just 5 weeks taken Cipralex for anxiety.
    there were a few big stressors in my life, including menopause that knocked me out of balance. I am 55 and never felt i would need western medicine. i am very spiritual and was confused in taking this medication. I am starting to gently feel myself again and was told it needs to be a solid 6 weeks plus for therapeutic benefits. I want to believe that I am even more spiritual when I can love and accept myself without judgement for needing this. thank you for your post! it has been a confusing time period! Karen

    Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      Hi Karen,
      Thanks for your comment. I can totally relate. I love what you wrote – spiritual has to do with loving and accepting ourselves with compassion and non-judgment. I think you are bang on! Thanks again for contributing. Victoria

      Reply
  3. Dave
    Dave says:

    I bet Scientologists feel the same way.
    Why use an electric drill when you have a screwdriver, right?
    People who think this way have resources 100x the average person, I say.

    Reply
  4. Valinda
    Valinda says:

    I don’t feel the presence of God anymore. My Cymbalta and Wellbutrin seem to keep me from the feeling of happiness. I tried getting off the Cymbalta slowly but it was horrible. I visually hallucinated, sleep problems, hyper etc. I’m seeing psychiatrist vs my internist. Maybe I don’t have to feel blah forever. My adult kids said I seemed like I was not “connected “ to the family. I was extremely depressed then.
    My mom and twin were/are chronically depressed.
    So, I want to feel things again in church. Going through the motions…yuk

    Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      Hi, No you don’t have to feel like this forever. Recovery takes time. It took me a long time to find the right meds and also to find the self-management tools I needed to do on a daily basis. Slowly I got more consistent in doing those (better sleep habits, good food, going outdoors, strong social support. Going through the motions helps in a way – it was pointing my brain and body in the right direction, even though I felt nothing but blah and blech. Keep at it and be gentle with yourself. Victoria

      Reply
  5. Kat
    Kat says:

    You have no idea how much this article has helped me. I am bipolar and about to start medication and was worried about how this may impact my spiritual practice and musical creativity. You’ve helped me see things in a different perspective. Thank you, Victoria.

    Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      Hi Kat, My apologies! I just saw that you commented. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. I’m so glad my post could help. Please keep me posted as to how things are going!

      Reply
  6. Nick
    Nick says:

    I just came across this blog post for the first time, after searching Google for “no matter how much spiritual work i did, i needed medication.”

    This morning I went to my psychiatrist after experimenting going without medication for the last 3 months, after having been on it for 10 years. I was determined to try to see if I can go without it. Over the last 8 months, I increased my physical activities significantly – running, weightlifting, cycling, swimming, etc., with a view to try to live medication free. I’m grateful for the strides I made in terms of physical activity, but, my mental health and emotional life hasn’t gotten any easier. I’m more confused, less focused and struggle with decision-making.

    It’s sad because I really wanted to be medication free, but no matter how dedicated I am to cognitive-behavioral and spiritual practices, I struggle… at the same time, in some way, I’m relieved to go back on medication, knowing that I’ll probably find daily life easier.

    Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      As my post describes, I completely relate to your experience. There seems to be something positive attached to being medication free. Instead I do my best to see it as this is one of many wellness tools I use to let me enjoy a good quality of life. I see that my body (as in my nervous system or biological make-up) needs the medicine with the kind of condition I have. And I find that my spirituality is more grounded and rich, unlike when I was off meds where I wasn’t functioning well and very ungrounded. Be kind to yourself.

      Reply
  7. Nicole Hathaway
    Nicole Hathaway says:

    Victoria,
    I have a very similar experience with my diagnosis of Bi Polar type II. I never say “I am bipolar” because it doesn’t define me and I don’t even say “I have bipolar” because I’m not always embodying the characteristics (symptoms) that are required for the diagnosis.

    I say I have a diagnosis of bipolar II, I like that it doesn’t put a stamp on me as always being this thing that was a helpful term to identify my patterns of mood fluctuations. I can happily say that I have not had symptoms for the past 5 years, I didn’t take medication for probably 4 of those 5 years, and I recently started my Lamotrigine because of the looming darkness you spoke of when you weaned off.

    The last time I weaned off I did it with the knowledge that if I ever needed it I would take it without having any kind of major deliberation. Because when I am taking it I simply feel like me, I feel normal highs and lows, I also notice it helps with my PMDD and I don’t completely unravel every 28 days.

    I feel like I have more to say but I have already written so much. It hasn’t impacted my spirituality, I have been able to take psilocybin and other plant medicine journeys while still on this medication because it is not an MAOI or SSRI and I have had no adverse side effects. (P.S. NOT advocating for psychedelics for most people with any kind of psychiatric disorder – or even most people at all – but it has been an important part of my path my entire journey).

    Thank you for this article. I really enjoyed reading it.

    Reply

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